Pursuing Friendship

Friendship is such an intriguing thing to me. When growing up, do you remember how you were only allowed to have one best friend? That was the unwritten rule of an 8 year old’s life. You always had to choose who was THE best friend. There couldn’t be two. And if you didn’t make the cut as someone else’s best friend, well that was just heartbreaking.

The term, “best friend” has quite a few connotations. What makes someone the best? Is it the qualities that they display? Is it what they have to offer you? In reality, “best friend” is such a broad term, yet is used in such specific ways. Take away “best” and you get even looser with just the term “friend.” Everyone has hundreds or even thousands of “friends” being that we live in the age of social media. When it was Myspace and Facebook it was all about how many friends you had on your profile. If you didn’t have a significant number of friends, you would feel inferior to others. Then we throw apps like Twitter and Instagram into the mix. Now it’s all about how many followers you have. All of these things involve “creating” a “friendship” with a simple click of a button. On Facebook, the button says, “add friend,” but are they really a friend? What exactly defines a friend?'

Have you ever thought about the people you call friends and what makes them your friend? Is what they offer you or what you offer them? Is it the fact that you just get along and can be civil together or occasionally enjoy hanging out with each other? Maybe it’s that you genuinely care for them because of the experiences you have had together in life. Maybe it’s that you’re able to hold a conversation on a deeper level. There are so many reasons that we can call someone a friend. Take a moment to reflect on those you call friends, and why they are your friend. 

I have never considered myself someone who is good at making friends or someone who has a lot of friends. I grew up being very shy around others. I am a pretty closed off person at first. That might also be because I am very selective. I am not quick to trust others around me. You need to show me that you are trustworthy and that I can open up to you. I also need to see that you’re invested in me. When I see that you are invested in me, I put everything into that relationship. I am loyal to a fault. I think that works out in a real positive way in many of my friendships. But it also creates a real barrier when making a new friendship.

Friendships for me take time to develop. Now, I might connect with someone in a spectacular way right off the bat, but I will still be slow in my approach. I will be intentional about developing that friendship, and I will open up as much as you will with me. But I need to see that potential for deep and legitimate friendship down the road. For some people, that is a silly and grueling process for developing a friendship. I don’t blame those who think that way. It can be challenging, even lonely at times. But in the end, I have only found it to be worth it. The friends that I have developed over the years mean absolutely everything to me.

In high school I didn’t talk to many people. Ok, yes, I was homeschooled, but that’s not necessarily what limited the number of friends I had. I still had lots of other opportunities to connect with others and make friends, but I was content with who my friends were. Those people were the closest to me, and I am happy to say that every single friend that I considered close then is still close to me in some way 6 years later. In fact, most of them are still some of my closest friends to this day despite the fact that we are all scattered across the east coast now doing our own thing in life.

Friendship can be difficult though. If you really want to develop that deep and legitimate friendship it takes time and effort. Time and effort go hand in hand. You have to be really intentional about making time for your friends. That can be really hard with how busy life can become. That is why I love social media and technology. They help break down some of those barriers of keeping in touch and being intentional even when you are busy. On the other side of the coin though, social media and things like texting can become very surface level. We “keep up” with each other by liking their posts and maybe slapping on a comment here and there. Is there intentionality in that? That might be a question for you to ponder yourself. Think about how you can utilize social media and technology to become more intentional with those you call friends.

I really love social media because I can keep up with many of my good friends from college now. But I also need to be really intentional about not just being a spectator of what they post. I need to be following up with them through text and phone calls to catch up and see how they are truly doing.

College was such a great experience for me because I got to see my friends every single day. We would make late night Wawa runs together, go on spontaneous trips, have deep conversations in our dorm rooms, and we had access to each other all of the time. If there was something I needed to talk through, they were right there. If I wanted to just hang out with someone and play soccer, they were right there. It was phenomenal. That was my favorite part about college. I was discussing with someone I met recently how there really is nothing like dorm life. Unless you go back to live on a college campus again, you will never have that kind of experience in life again.

That’s why when I graduated from college it was such a huge culture shock for me. I ended up getting married right after college and moved back to my hometown to live with my wife. That was (and still is) a great experience, and I love that I get to be married every single day to someone I consider to be my best friend. But when I moved back home most of my friends had already moved away. I was back to square one when it came to having friends. I went from a lifetime of strong, deep relationships with those around me, to that not really existing anymore. For any of us who may have still lived close, life was still different too. We had jobs, responsibilities, etc. that no longer allowed us to simply text each other at midnight if we wanted to hit up Taco Bell together.

Thus, began one of my biggest challenges, making new friends. My other friends weren’t obsolete or non-existent. But I had felt like I lost a piece of that support I had for essentially my entire life. That is not a diss on any of my friends who have existed in my life over the years. As I mentioned earlier, we all had our own responsibilities, and I learned how easily it can be to get entrenched in the busyness that is adulthood. We can so easily forget the necessity and value that the friendships around us bring to our lives (I am the first one guilty of this). 

So, I had to start two things – first, be intentional with those that I already call friends. Second, I had to be intentional and patient about developing new friendships. That’s where time and effort come back into play. Time was not something that I just had to play around with anymore. I needed to balance work and home life before I added time with friends. My wife is my first friend who deserves my time. Making time for friends (new and old) seemed like quite the giant before me, which involves a lot of effort.

I mentioned earlier how I need to see that you are invested in me in order for me to feel like I should invest in that friendship. That does make for some really strong and deep friendships down the road, but that could also cause me to miss out on some really great friendships because I am too selective. That is a barrier that I need to adjust and become more self-aware around.

I’ll be honest, there were times where I was hurt because I felt that I was putting in effort and not receiving the same amount of effort back. Sometimes I take things too personally. It would be hurtful to constantly reach out and either get responses that were up in the air or consistent cancellations. If we’re going to be really honest here, I just wanted someone else to reach out to me. I wanted someone to value my friendship so much that they put in the effort to be intentional with me; to show me that I am wanted and needed. I wasn’t really seeing that happen at times. That kind of hurt.

When I realized how I wanted others to reach out and be intentional with me, a light bulb went on in my head. I realized that if I was thinking that, there are probably others thinking the same exact thing. What if everyone else was thinking that and was just waiting for someone else to initiate because they were scared like me? Maybe they too were fearful of rejection and embarrassment. What would happen if I sacrificed my own fears of rejection and failure and was extremely intentional about building others up and pouring into our friendship even if I didn’t always receive what I was hoping for?

As I had dissected these thoughts and questions I learned something I probably should have learned years ago. Friendship isn’t about me. Friendship is not what I get out of it. It is not about how satisfied I am by the relationship or how often the other person is there for me, although that is certainly an important aspect. Friendship is about what I can give. It is about how I can support that person and show them love. As I learned to give without expectation of receiving, I learned to deal with the hurt of rejection that could come in reaching out to others. I learned to process all of those thoughts and feelings while still being intentional with friends.

Some friendships have taken a lot of time and effort, not because those people are difficult people, but simply because of the lack of time and energy we often don’t have in this day and age. But let me tell you, those friendships are the most worth it. I am all about being intentional. I don’t always have the patience to pair with that intentionality though. Those two are necessary. They play very important roles together.

In our society we can very easily have different levels of friends. I totally understand why that exists. We have so many different kinds of interactions with people at work, school, in our community, etc. But I want to challenge that notion. Levels of friends means levels of effort. And to be honest, that’s not fair to others or ourselves. What would happen if we put a consistent level of effort forth in every friendship?

Earlier I asked the question, “what defines a friend?” From my perspective, what defines a friend is their intentionality. You are not responsible for someone else’s intentionality. You are only responsible for your own. So how intentional are you? Are you willing to be patient, to take time out and put in effort to see where a friendship leads? If you are not, you may want to reflect on areas that you can become more intentional in. 

For some people, making friends is not easy. For others, making friends is easy, but developing strong and deep friendships is not. Start simple. Who do you need to be more intentional with? Who do you need to start making time for and show effort with? Time could look different for everyone too. Time may be specific time together in person. Time might also be texts and phone calls to check in and catch up. It’s all about them knowing that you exist in their life because of the effort you put forth to show them you do.

I have challenged myself over the last couple of years to really be intentional in my friendships. At times I have succeeded, at times I would say I have failed. I used to think that I want to be the friend that others know I am there for them all the time even if we don’t talk much. I don’t want that anymore. I want others to know I am there for them because I am actually there for them. I’m not sure if I have actually succeeded in that area yet. I hope that I have at least taken steps in the right direction. Diving into the world of intentional friendship has been challenging for me. It has taken me far outside of my comfort zone at times. But it has been so worth it. Don’t wait to be intentional with your friends.

When I asked you to think about why someone is your friend, was there someone specific who came to your mind? If someone did come to mind, reach out to that person right now. Tell them what you appreciate about their friendship. Don’t be surface level, go deep. Tell them exactly what makes them a good friend and what they have meant to you. Maybe you need to apologize to a friend and ask for forgiveness because you gave up on them. That’s ok, you’re not the first or the last person who will do that to someone else. But there is no better time than now to go and restore that friendship. I am sure there are people out there waiting for someone to reach out to them. You are that person. You reaching out just might save someone’s life. Reassuring them that they do have friends out there that care for them could be life changing. You have an opportunity to make an impact. Go do that.

I have some of the best friends in the world. I hope they realize how much I appreciate them. I’m not going to use this to try and make a general statement about all of them (ironically, I just did that anyway). I am going to continue to challenge myself to reach out, show my appreciation through making time and putting forth effort into that friendship. If you consider me as a friend, and you feel like I haven’t put forth the time and effort, call me out on it. This is your invitation to hold me accountable.

Friends can be so valuable. Don’t waste time being bitter or frustrated over differences or arguments. Forgive others. Love them just as you would want to be loved. Friendships take time and effort, it takes you being intentional, and it takes you making that first step whether they are a new or old friend. Don’t wait on them, it’s your turn.